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I completed the special needs application for my agency this week. it was a great and overwhelming feeling at the same time. i feel excited at the things that may come (a daughter) but frightened by what the Lord may ask me to accept in her special need. I'm looking forward to being a parent and filling my house with the ramblings a baby or toddler will bring, but I am worried that I may long for these quiet Saturday mornings as well.

I'm human and I'm selfish. It's part of being (almost) 35 and never married...never really being in a long term relationship with anyone. I've always been able to cater to my every whim...it's sad but true. Want to lay around all weekend and watch Lifetime in my Pj's...done; want to go shopping and spend a ridiculous amount of money on new clothes I don't need...done; want to go on a trip...done; want to go to a movie of my own choosing and eat a whole bucket of buttered popcorn...done. I mean I've lived a great life and try not to play the poor, pitiful me I'm single card (but sometimes it does happen). I know that I'm on the brink of a life change, one that will forever change me. I can't help but be a little apprehensive...only apprehensive about what is to come. I'm not worried about making this decision. I think God has totally lead me to this point and he is with me still. I have to have faith in what he will bring to my future.

So on to how this new decision will possibly affect my wait time. I'm approaching the 3 year LID mark as of February 2010 which also mean I'm approaching 35 years old. I try not to define myself by my age, but let's be real people. A toddler takes a lot of energy and I can already feel my energy levels waning compared to say my mid twenties! Now...3 years of LID plus nearly 1 year of being on the singles list and many months of waiting for paperwork means basically I've been on this journey for 5 years. Right now, in the NSN (non special needs or healthy child) "line" the wait is not speeding up any. There have been rumors of a speed up, but nothing happens. However, things in the 'special needs' line continue to move along rather quickly for my agency because they are a part of the relatively new shared referral system. Basically (from my understanding) the CCAA (China) sends out a listing of special needs children and all the agencies that are a part of this system can view the children and can match them with their families. However this is only for families that have completed the special needs application. For the past two months I have come across pictures of little girls I was interested in and basically I couldn't get any real information on them until I applied. So that is what sort of kicked me into gear a little bit. Unfortunately for me the girls I was interested in have already been matched with a family, but now I'm on the "list" for when the shared list comes out again in November.

I could wait another year for a referral or I could be matched next month. We just don't know. The day after I completed the special needs application I actually did receive a call for a little girl who had a more difficult special need than I was willing to take on right now. Let me tell you how crappy I felt about looking at a sweet, cute little girl's picture and turning her down. It's not a good feeling, but I just knew she wasn't my daughter. I can't explain all the reasons why, but hopefully this mother's heart will immediately know when I'm looking at my daughter. Please pray for that confirmation for me. Another thing is you have to make a decision to move forward pretty quickly. There isn't much time to sit and wait because you don't know who else from other agencies may be looking at a child. If you are really interested you (your agency) have to "lock" the child's file. At that point nobody else can look at her while you review her medical/health info more closely.

I know that is a lot of details and I've probably missed many important things along the way. At times my head is spinning thinking of all there is to keep up with now in terms of a possible referral. I'm reading blogs (not unusual) and researching different special needs. I'm trying to think about what is more manageable for me and trying to keep in mind my financial and time constraints in being a single parent.

My perfect time table if I lived in a perfect world would be to see my daughters face by Christmas and travel to China in April or May of 2010. I'm only recording my dream here to see if my timing is in sync with God's timing... and we seem to be off by a couple years or 10!

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